Taking the time to reflect on what you're grateful for and writing down your thoughts both require the ability to detach from the inner dialogues in your brain, and with practice bring a host of therapeutic benefits. Shane details many in this short episode:
Taking the time to reflect on what you're grateful for and writing down your thoughts both require the ability to detach from the inner dialogues in your brain, and with practice bring a host of therapeutic benefits. Shane details many in this short episode:
What makes life good? Science and your life experience remind you that the greatest happiness this world has to offer comes from loving relationships. Welcome to the Help for Loving Relationships podcast. Here we focus on strengthening our marriages and our families. As well as your connection to friends and community.
Our host, Shane Adamson, is a therapist who has had a front row seat to what builds loving relationships, as well as what hurts relationships. Please welcome your host, Shane Adamson.
Welcome to the Help for Loving Relationships show. This is Shane and it's March 2024 and I'm really excited about this month. Next week we have Jacob Hess coming on the show and he wrote a book about mindfulness and I shared this with many of my clients and it became a favorite read for many people and I'll include that in the show notes as he presents next week and comes as a guest on the show and Today, I'm going to do a solo episode on the benefits of gratitude and journaling.
And in the area of mental health, there's two ideas that I want to briefly share and this will maybe help you understand the reasons why you may want to do a gratitude practice or journaling. This first idea is called the wise mind. And this basically means that you develop this A wise mind that helps you live more in peace and be more resilient when stress and unexpected challenges of life hit you.
Another similar idea to this wise mind Pat Carnes in a recent book that I read called The Recovery Zone, calls it the inner observer. And I'll just quote what he describes the inner observer as the ability to detach from the inner dialogues. And debates that are active in the brain and make sense of what matters most or what is useful.
So I think part of the human existence or human experience is we do have a balance of positive and negative thoughts that go through our mind. And If we do not develop some wise mind or inner observer ability, a tool or a skill, we can get overtaken by anxiety or fear or worry or depression or negative thinking.
And these sticky negative thoughts really take away from our peace and confidence. and doing life with adventure and, and just considering it a juicy, great adventurous life. We want to be able to go forward in our life with confidence. So I'm going to talk about gratitude and journaling. So I just completed a 30 day challenge where I made a list of 10 things that I'm grateful for over a 30 day period.
I got this idea from Rhonda Byrne. She has a short little book entitled the magic and the bedrock take home challenges to do this 30 day writing. And the way she teaches it is that if you skip a day, you need to start over. And so I skipped three different times and had to start over. And then there was a period where I got 21 days with no skipping, and I missed a day, and instead of starting over, I just pushed through and finished and got to the 30 day. So it took me a little longer than a month, but I'm going to call on Pat Carnes' research because he's done this with a broader span of people than myself. And so in his trainings, he'll have 30 to 50 people and ask them to do the 30 day challenge and then return and report on what results came.
And so I'm going to cite about eight results of just doing a 30 day gratitude practice and what came up for people and then I'll share if these results played out in my own life and I need to be honest and say that in addition to this 30 day practice, I'm a man of prayer, so I've been doing kind of what I'm grateful for in my prayers over my life span.
So gratitude's been a part of my life. I just made it more intentional with this 30 day writing, 10 Things I'm Grateful For. And I know that this pod, this podcast This podcast is for the general public, so for people that don't, you know, subscribe to prayer, they can do this intentional gratitude practice and I'll go through some other ways you can do it.
But here are some benefits. Let's check these out. So by doing this many people doing the 30 day gratitude list challenge report that they observe what is right in the world and this develops a framework or pattern of focusing on what's right or going well. And I did take a personality test in the last few months by Jordan Peterson, and my optimism score is really high.
It's like a 96th percentile. I think that serves me well in the counseling profession because people come in with very heavy and hard stories. I feel I can, Sit with the pain and validate it and not just jump to optimism, but when the opportunity presents itself and the therapeutic timing is right, I'm able to see a little light at the end of the tunnel of one little shift in attitude or a daily routine shift that might help this person get a little more And so I do think gratitude would help you have that focusing on what's going well.
So I agree with that one, too. Problem solving becomes easier because you can reflect on other difficult times in life that turned out and, and these were gifts, even though at the time when you're in the middle of them, it just felt like a major trial and it was a feeling of hopelessness or despair. I would say that my marriage of 30 years, there was a decade where.
Oh my goodness, we were separated a couple times and if I was doing a gratitude list, I could not put my marriage at the time. But now over the last five years, we're in a more mature, healthy, loving place. And so gratitude helps me, I guess, focus that I can do hard things. Gratitude assists with grief and helping you let go of things that you cannot control and unnecessary drama in your life.
I. Probably when I was less mature, wanted everyone to like me, and I'm okay if some people don't like me now, and I actually do notice myself distancing from people that I sense that there will be a lot of drama there, and I just don't have the energy to take that on, and so I think that gratitude helps you let go of things.
And distance from things that are not helpful to you. I agree with that one. Number five, gratitude helps you notice positive traits in others, which reminds you to affirm them. I would say that in my gratitude list of the last 30 days, my marriage, my kids, certain friends, Certain people I crossed paths with, that I lost contact with.
They, they ended up on the gratitude list. And just this morning we're planning a little get together. My daughter wants to say goodbye to her Utah family and friends. And I thought of someone back east, Coleman. He's my nephew and I want to reach out to him. And that gratitude list reminded me to not forget somebody in another state that I only see periodically.
So gratitude helped me. Focus on other people and remind, remind me of them. Gratitude reduces cortisol, the stress hormone in your body functions better. It improves the immune system. I, all I can say is I've been sick the last few days. I am bouncing back. So maybe I need to be grateful that it wasn't a longer lasting sickness.
Than three to four days, but yeah, I can't speak for myself. Significantly to this one just because I've been sick, but number seven, gratitude gives you increased courage during challenging times because you're reminded of your assets, your strengths, and you want to protect these. And so I'm noticing that over my lifespan, my life experiences has improved my like public speaking.
I've become more extroverted over time as I've become more confident and as I do my own personal work in therapy, I'm more. confident in the therapy zone to guide, be a helpful guide to people. So I do think gratitude helps you develop your talents and, and protect them and develop them. Gratitude improves intimacy because you do not lose track of people that matter most to you.
I think an example of this is, I was excited to launch and record a video. Recording this podcast and my wife came in this morning and said hey, we have taco tradition And we have this great little breakfast taco place right down the street and we do it on most Saturdays And I'm like, you know what you're more important than this podcast can wait till the afternoon.
And so that's what I'm doing I'm recording it a little later today and Gratitude leads to achievement by providing the persistence necessary to do hard things. Hmm, I'm trying to think if I can think of an example of where gratitude helped me achieve something. I actually kind of reached a little lull in this podcast where I was just Not having the motivation to prioritize podcast development, podcast interviewing, and it's mid March, and I like to have two episodes, and so I felt a prompting during my gratitude practice to reach out to my, it's called my mastermind group.
It's a group of six other podcasters who all went through power up podcasting class together, and so we've stayed in touch over the last couple years, and going to that class, They gave me some ideas of some potential speakers and how to organize myself in a way to stay on top of this since I don't want my podcast to go dormant.
So yes, it does help me achieve things when I'm grateful. Many spiritual traditions emphasize the importance of being still, recognize the spirit or conscience within us that prompts us to do good and choose the right. I do value my morning rituals of reading. Spiritual uplifting literature, or when I'm driving to work, I usually find a book or some music that's uplifting to me.
And then I, I would also add, this is not in Pat Karn's research, but just my own observation is I have a problem with resentment and developing grievance stories of people that have wronged me. Too many life experiences that I felt wronged by pile up and I just get bitter and resentful and that. It shows itself in kind of a whiny, pouty, woe is me, I call it my Eeyore personality that my wife says I need to put Eeyore in the kennel.
But when I'm doing gratitude, I would say that's the biggest antidote to resentment. So if you do notice yourself kind of whining, complaining, have a lot of negatives that your mind just keeps reminding yourself of this bad thing try a gratitude practice. It may help clear some of that resentment.
And in closing, like, you can do this 30 day thing. Some other things to consider is just a meditation where you're just reflecting on all the things you're grateful for. I'm a person of prayer, so I've included meditation. Things I'm grateful for in my prayer practices, it does appear that the mental health benefits to gratitude is Overwhelming.
So jump in make it a part of your your routine. All right, I'm gonna cross over now to journaling So I started journaling when I served a mission for my church in Japan from age 19 to 21, and I love the Japanese people, the culture, the food, and it was just an amazing experience and I recorded spiritual experiences and little defining moment experiences where I learned and grew as a person or met people that really inspired me.
I still remember a Japanese high school student asking me for help with their Japanese English homework, which was, oh, I'm like, oh, I got this. I speak English. And his question to me was, is this a dangling modifier, y'all? And I'm like, dangling modifier, can you stick to noun verb agreement? Because I don't know what a dangling modifier is.
And I quickly learned that this Japanese high school student understood English grammar better than I did because I did not know what a dangling modifier was. I missed that part of my English class. So anyhow I was inspired by just their diligence in education. When I returned, I was more focused on my My college and making that a priority but coming back to the journaling that's when it started and and so now if that was from age 19 to 21 I'm 56 now so over 35 years I've been journaling I will be honest and candid saying that over the years I've had maybe periods of time where I've gone three to four months and just didn't journal, but when I got back to the journal, I tried to reflect on what happened over the last three to four months, but I'd say by and large, most of these 35 years, I've, I've got to my journal once or twice a month, sometimes more, and it's been as short as a paragraph, two is three to four paragraphs, but I'm, I'm just going to name some of the benefits that journaling.
has given me, it's given me increased clarity about my life events. I think the process of writing slows your mind down and it helps you do a little deeper introspection. For example my daughter got married this last summer and I journaled about their rituals that they chose, the vows and what they said to each other and how meaningful that was and how excited I was to see my, my daughter, Noel.
And Gary starred in their love story. And I also documented, like, people I connected with and what I liked about them and some other events of that. Three day marriage, um, celebration. I also, on the flip side, sometimes just vent about the stressors around work or money. And when I am venting, I do notice towards the end of that venting, my wise mind kicks in and says, now Shane, you've been in these places before in prior years and usually these hard times pass.
And so journaling becomes therapeutic in that way. Transcribed Let's see.
I record memories. I think that one of my favorite traditions is this yearly newsletter. But since May, our youngest is leaving to go to UK to study abroad, we'll be empty nesters starting August. And I don't know if I'm going to do that. The yearly newsletter. It was so focused on our kids and I tried to be careful to not make it one of those brag fest newsletters.
I included hard things, funny things, bloopers that happened in the last year, but it's fun to go back and look at those memories. I'm, if I'm, another thing I use my journal for is if I'm preparing a talk in church or I'm preparing to. Record my podcast like last month, I had to summarize the best practices of betrayal trauma counseling that I had a four day training and I had to put that into one hour.
It took me about four hours to consolidate all those thoughts into one hour message. But this morning My thoughts on gratitude and journaling has been about an hour of prep time of writing, but so basically your journal can be a place to record your thoughts on a talk or on a theme or something.
I did find one that was much more guided, so like traditionally people think of journaling as just recording your thoughts on life events and some of the things I've just mentioned, but I, during COVID, I was bored and I found this podcast, The Art of Manliness, and then on this particular podcast, they have this men's group.
Think of Boy Scouts for grown men, and it's this 90 day boot camp where you're With 50 other men, and it's all online because it was COVID, it was locked down, but you had weekly challenges like take a cold shower, or try to increase the number of push ups and sit ups you do per day, things either physical, mental, emotional.
Read a book and, and share in the group what inspired you. These were some of the things that we did, but coming back to the Boy Scout part of this boot camp, I chose journaling merit badge. And I was supposed to journal for 30 days and some of the journal prompts were deeper and it took me more than just one day.
But I'm just going to read the the prompts. Define manliness. How to develop a positive habit in my life. Pick a negative habit to remove from my life, and my game plan to remove that. Write a letter to a loved one. What is the theme of your life in one, Sentence or one paragraph? Reflect on your career to date.
What has gone well? Any regrets? What do you want your future to be like in regards to work life? How can you be a hero in your own life story? I love this idea that all of us can be a hero in our life, and I had fun developing that idea. Who do you consider to be mentors or your support network? Do a mind dump of all your worries.
I do that regularly now since I had this prompt back in 2020. Write a review of a recent book that you read or a movie you watched. I sometimes take that and give it to my clients and say, Hey, here's a book I read. It's by Brene Brown and it's a page and a half summary and read this and if you like kind of the summary, then you should get the book and see what comes up for you.
But yeah. Let's see, search the top news stories the year you were born and write about these. I just found this journal entry and so, Excuse me, I've been sick this week. 1968, the big event, Apollo 13 landed on the moon Beatles released Hey Jude the Big Mac was released and it was under a dollar.
And this is all the way back in, you know, 68. But anyhow it's kind of fun to just look back and see what happened in your birth year. Let's see write about a project that you want to do, a place that you want to go. My wife and I have kind of been dream building about retirement and things we want to do, places we want to visit, reflect on your romantic relationship.
I kind of reflected on where I, I, I, I said that I need to listen to my wife better. Sometimes she tells stories and I think I've heard that story, but then she'll add like, she told this story about Jason Kiesel from high school that I hadn't heard. And I was like, whoa, I've heard this story three times, but this time you added this other person and character and other little event that was a side event.
And so I'm learning that my wife is a mystery and I need to always listen because there's just so much to learn. to learn. But so journaling kind of prompted me to make my relationship better by listening more carefully and intently and create a list of your favorite quotes to live by. I didn't make a long list.
I had about eight to ten, but I can't remember them off the top of my head. Write about the most meaningful events or defining moments of your life so far. So this is just a, Some prompt examples to help you see that journaling can go in so many different directions to help you understand yourself your future and just a Journaling as a way of kind of getting clarity and learning more about yourself so I did in closing a little Google search of the benefits of journaling and Here are just some of the things that Google had to share that it does improve awareness of your perceptions and the events of your life.
It helps you prioritize problems, fears, concerns, and goals. And it creates an opportunity for more positive self talk, which I gave an example of me and my fear and worry, my ER personality. Four, it reduces stress and anxiety and helps you increase coping skills. So, journaling becomes a coping skill to kind of be A little gentle with yourself and not beat yourself up improves your memory and improves emotional awareness So from today's episode this solo episode it was a short one It's under 25 minutes But I'm hoping by hearing the benefits of a gratitude practice As well as some ideas for journaling that you find something that inspires you And next episode we're going to look more closely at mindful living as a coping skill.
And thanks for joining us today and tune in next week where Jacob Hess and I will talk about the many benefits of being mindful and how you go about your day to day life. Have a great day and thanks for being a supporter of this podcast.